A College Educated Man Is A Must
So today Belle, over at a Belle in Brookly had a post about settling when it comes to relationships and marriage:
Would you settle? Have you? Is there a difference between settling and compromise? If so, what is it?
I think about it all the time.
Years ago, I read a quote somewhere that went, “whenever you settle, you always get less than you settled for.”
As the conversation progressed many women (myself included) said the differences between compromising and settling is that you decide what your deal breakers are and then don’t budge on them. Those things that are most important to you aren’t things you can compromise on ’cause then you’re settling.
When I mentioned that a deal breaker for me was lack of a college educated…I was immediately called shallow…and Belle’s comment to me summed up what many of the men and women felt about my deal breaker:
…your qualifications about a degree are shallow. (sorry to be blunt, but I’m typing in a hurry.) I’m not saying go find a man who doesn’t read. I’m saying that degrees don’t have a sense of humor or investigate bumps in the night, or bring you soup when you’re sick or keep the bed warm. It’s a piece of paper not a character trait. If the piece of paper is more important than any of that, God bless you and good night. Oh, and there are a lot of dumb people with degrees who don’t read or watch the news. I don’t say this to get at you in any kind of way. I just [dont] want the younger women reading to think that makes any kind of sense.
‘Cause i expect a man to be college educated?
Here was my response:
Black American women are the only women I know who can say with a straight face that a man NOT being college educated is shallow and shouldn’t be a deal breaker.
The only ones.
I’m convinced it’s because younger generations of black women have been conditioned to expect less from brothers. It never fails that I get such a venomous reaction when I say I expect a man to be college educated.
“I’m saying that degrees don’t have a sense of humor or investigate bumps in the night, or bring you soup when you’re sick or keep the bed warm.”‘
I never said they did. I just said it was a deal breaker for me.
And no it’s not shallow. I value education for education’s sake. Not out of some sense of money and success, even though there is a high correlation between the two…anyone can Google the studies and see for yourself.
All men who go to college aren’t intelligent – no joke – but I don’t date them.
I date brilliant, highly intelligent and/or talented, ambitious men, I haven’t met one yet who didn’t have at least a bachelors.
There isn’t a single man in my group of friends and extended peer group who doesn’t have At Least a bachelors and most have advanced and/or professional degrees. Not One. And my circle of people are 99% black.
Take a poll of the fortune 500 or 100 all of our Presidents and most anyone with a professional career of any sort (hell many policemen and firemen too) and then come back and tell me how being college educated isn’t important and is merely a shallow requirement.
If all you want is someone who has a “sense of humor or investigate bumps in the night, or bring[s] you soup when you’re sick or keep the bed warm.”
Then by all means don’t consider his level of education.
But i require much more than that in a serious relationship…and a man who poo poo’s at furthering his education isn’t going to give it to me.
And note to the young women on the board, my advice remains the same: Know what are deal breakers for YOU and then make your choices in men. Don’t decide on what’s a deal breaker based on what other people think…’cause then you’d be settling.
And I stand by what I said. For me, being college educated is about shared values. I will be John Brown if I marry a man and he says to our children, “Oh daddy didn’t go to college and I’m successful so you don’t above to go either.”
That would make me slap him and any child who thought that was a good idea.
It’s funny to me ’cause most of the women I hear saying a college education doesn’t matter are college educated themselves. Often this “he doesn’t have to have a degree” mind set seems to be perpetuated by women who feel like they should, “give a brother a chance,” and understand how hard it is for a black man to make it or feel like they’re shutting off the number of available of black men they have to choose from for marriage if they insist he has a college degree.
That kind of thinking comes from a place of fear and sets you up to actually settle and be unhappy in whatever marriage you have. I don’t know about anybody else, but I’m not looking for any good man, but the right good man for me and nine times out of ten that’s going to require a college education.
I sooo totally agree with your response to the poor hardup lady that is only concerned about soup and a warm bed. She probably doesn’t have a degree either. I found that when I say I’d rather be with a college educated man it is my Black degreeless female friends who have an attitude. Like you said NO other natinality of educated woman accepts less.
Amen sista! I require the same and if he doesn’t have that I’m not interested.
I totally agree. We as black women are being programmed to accept less. However, you have to look at yourself and think “What am I offering?” I, myself offered educationally, 2 degrees. And I wanted someone on the same playing field. If I can do it as a young, black woman, a young black man can as well. “Equally yoked”. I tried the no degree guy, but I am so glad we didn’t get married. Once, I heard out of his mouth in a heated aregument, “You think you’re better than me ‘cuz you got your degrees!”, I knew it wasn’t for me. And my response was ” NO, you think I’m better than you”, and left it at that. So, I did myself a favor, and left that relationship alone. That was something I was not willing to deal with ever again. I married a man with as education, Plus the humor, romance, thoughtfulness, and more. So, it’s all in what you are willing to settle for, or NOT settle for.
If more women took this stance black male enrollment would be up at colleges across the country. Its hard to see how that would be a bad outcome. However, what about trade school? What about an inventor that left school early before graduating to start his own business. I’m sure the “no degree” litmus test is a generality right? It b/c the degree is really a proxy for intelligence, intellectual curiosity and ambition correct?
It b/c the degree is really a proxy for intelligence, intellectual curiosity and ambition correct?
Essentially. Folk act like it’s so easy to find this super intelligent, worldly, successful non-college grad. Everyone isn’t Steve Jobs. And why would I conduct my search for this dude in a pool that isn’t to likely to have so many or conduct my search in a pool of men who would likely have more candidates of the kind I’ looking for.
Its funny because I have also been called shallow for this and other requirements I have for men. If I am advancing myself in higher education I feel that whomever I am dating needs to be either above, same level and/or reaching that level. A bachelor degree is a must. In the near future a bachelor degree will be the same as a high school diploma. So what are you suppose to do then if he doesnt even at least have a bachelor? To me higher education is vital. Additionally, there are plenty of educated black men that have a good sense of humor and know how to work it in the sheets.
*high five* I let it be known early that I can’t seriously be with a man who doesn’t have a college education. And, not just because of some social status that I’m imagining we can achieve in my mind, but because there is a shared experience there. There’s a reason why companies pay college graduates more money (even when all they have a degree in is basket weaving), it’s fact that you’ve proven you can set out to do something long-term and stick with it until the end. Not to mention the many ways college opens you up to having experiences you wouldn’t have if left to your own devices. Sure, anyone can be a book worm, read a lot, and teach themselves how to do things, but if that’s all a college education/experience was about generations of people wouldn’t have paid tens of thousands of dollars to get one.
What if the guy is a high school drop out who is playing in the NFL/NBA ladies? (Pause) I didnt think so. I understand the idea of security. Adam’s first relationship was with his work (tending the garden of eden)-thereby setting the nature of men all this many years later. Eve’s first relationship (and the reason she was created) was with and for Adam-women’s nature to this day. Thats why the most educated of women are willing to settle at age-20 something, when presented with a secure, attractive, loving man and some will go with the so so prospect. Men, on the other hand, go with the career, the success, the money, when young even when presented with the best female prospect in the world. Some because they are immature, but most because they are looking to develop their careers/chase whatever their dreams/get $$ (tend the Garden) before settling down with anyone even the best of prospects. Ever hear a man say – she must have a degree/this or that particular career/make this amount of money? The answer is no and that is why men are largely the leaders in the highest levels of government and business, while women make up the largest portion of the workforce, the VOTING base, and the college graduates in this country.